Roan (helping repair a hallway railing): Do we really need to put this railing back on? Mom: Yes, the housing code requires a railing for a certain number of stairs. Roan: Ok, let’s remove some of these stairs. Wait, then I’d have to jump. Let’s decrease the size of the house.
Roan (singing a made-up song to himself): You’re an idiot, and you don’t know anything. But you’re my mom, and that’s what counts. (Age 9 1/2)
Roan (after pestering his very tired, sleep-deprived father at breakfast): You’re going to have a really good break when you’re in your 70s, Dad.
Roan (in the car, commenting on a billboard ad of Mr.T selling iced tea with butterfly wings on his back): That’s genetics in action, people! (Age 9)
Mom: What I never realized growing up is that Charlie Brown has untreated clinical depression. Roan: Maybe he should join the band Nirvana. (Age 9)
Dad: Nah, I don’t wanna jump in the leaves. Roan: Your inner child just died a little. Casey: I can’t jump in the leaves, I’ll get hurt! I’m too old. Roan: Ok, your inner child is in the hospital now, with only a few weeks to live.
Roan (to mom at dinner): I really want to pour my chili all over your face right now. I don’t know why. It’s like a life goal. (Age 9)
Roan: Mom, sometimes you can be crazy. Mom: Well, that’s true for all of us. Roan: Well I am above-average crazy! (Age 9)
Mom (looking a photo of an elk): Can you imagine carrying horns on your head every day of your life? Roan (matter-of-factly): I carry a 300 pound backpack on my back every day. Mom: Touché.
Roan: Do you sometimes wish you’d had another baby? Dad: Yes, but I’m also glad we have just you. When you’re married, you can decide how many kids you want to have. Roan: That will require A LOT of sex.
Roan (in public, people watching): Is that a spoon taped to that baby’s mouth? Oh, that’s a pacifier. I was wondering why they would do that to a minor. (Age 9)
Roan (out of the blue, in thought): So, when I was in kindergarten I told my teacher I had a shart. Why would I do that?
Roan (watching cartoon characters smash their apartment on Teen Titans Go!): How does insurance pay for that every day? (Age 9)
Roan: In nine years I’m going to be a man and I’m going to have a girlfriend and then I’m going to get married and then we’re going to have sex on the couch and have a baby. And then we’re going to have sex on the couch again and have another baby. (Age 9)
Grandma: Roan, you watched several hours of PG14 history documentaries, with all that killing?! Roan: Dad was with me. Grandma: Dad let you watch that? Roan: Well, technically Dad was sleeping on the couch, but from a certain point of view, you could say he was with me.
Mom (yelling at Roan for jumping hurdles over the cat with a bang): That is not nice! You’re scaring him! Roan (to the cat): I’m sorry for messing with your lifespan. (Age 9)
Mom (annoyed): I don’t like how [the cat] is getting litter everywhere. Roan: What happened to him? He used to be cool. (Age 9)
Roan (a day after falling and getting major scrapes): Mom, I lost my bandaid while I was sleeping, and I found it this morning hanging from my shirt, with all the sorrows.
Mom: Look, all the snow is gone! Roan: Time to start a new life. (Age 8)
Roan (admiring his bare torso in the bathroom mirror): I’m cut! (Age 8)
Roan: The day that I hear it from a doctor that there are sick germs in my boogers is the day that I will try to stop eating my boogers. Mom: How about if I show you proof on the Internet? Roan: I would like to interact with a doctor, because they all have different …
Roan: The bad thing about Katrina’s birthday is that I’ll be surrounded by girls. Dad: Well, that could be a good thing. Roan: No, actually it will be bad for my social life. (Age 8)
Roan (talking face to face with the family cat, who recently killed and left a dead mouse in the hallway): Hey bro, you got blood on our house. You fought fire with fire with that mouse. (Age 8)
Roan (with seriousness and concern): Today at school Darin put a lollipop back in his mouth after dropping it on the ground and he said it was salty from the salt they use to melt the snow, and I told him he wouldn’t have a tongue by tomorrow morning! I told him that the salt would …
Roan (commenting on a choir member’s robe while visiting a friend’s church service): That guy’s time must be all messed up because he’s wearing a nightgown in the middle of the afternoon. (Age 8)
Roan (after eating his second piece of pumpkin pie and whipped cream with Christmas dinner): My life has been fulfilled! (Age 8)
Roan (looking at a photo of himself as a three-day old infant): So tiny, and so useless! (Age 8)
Roan: My friend Henry gets to stay up until 10pm! I would like to live in that family. (Age 8)
Roan: My first bike ride was tragic, violent, and legendary! (Age 8)
Roan (yelling): Dad, mom left for work! It’s time for your role. (Age 8)
Roan: The movie “Boyhood” is Rated R because it has alcoholic beverages and the boy’s dad is an alcoholist. (Age 8)
Roan: There has to be a video where I can see a chicken laying an egg out of its butt. There has to be, because humans are extraordinary, and can accomplish many things. (Age 8)
Roan: Sometimes planets explode and the rock turns into other planets. Technically, God made all the planets, and…yeah.
Roan: I’ll save up money for you and Dad to go to Hawaii for your anniversary, but it will take 2 years because I’ll have to save $100. (Age 8)
Roan: At camp today we made a movie, and it’s Rated PG because there’s mild humor and intense scenes. (Age 8)
Roan: The more you learn about super heroes, the more knowledge you have about God. (Age 8)
Roan: When I was little, Dad put rock and roll in my mind, and it changed my life forever. (Age 8)
Roan: Mom, are you sad I’m growing up? My old self needed a booster seat and didn’t say “crap” very much. My new self doesn’t need a booster seat and says “crap” more often. (Age 8)
Roan (to pediatrician, when asked if he had any concerns): No worries except for blood poisoning and turning into a hobo maniac. (Age 8)
Roan: I have an irrational fear that one of my farts is going to blow up the world. (Age 8)
Roan: Dad, remember that day you ruined my life forever? Dad: What? Roan: When you threw the baseball and it went into the street and down the sewer? Dad: Oh, I’m sorry, but there will be a lot of those days. (Age 8)
Roan: I forget a lot of stuff. I tend to have three cords unplugged in my brain. (Age 7)
Roan: [Our cat] says a lot of swear words in his mind. (Age 7)
Roan: I can’t wait to propose to the woman I’m gonna love. (Age 7)
Roan: I like [Grandma] being overprotective. It’s good for me. (Age 7)
Roan (from the sidelines of a soccer game, when one of his teammates got hit in the face with the ball): Beep beep beep! Detecting high levels of geek! (Age 7)
Roan: Dad, why didn’t you choose an easier job, like someone at an arcade? (Age 7)
Roan (to Mom): Would you please sit down and enjoy your life?
Roan (after being told “no” to having candy before dinner): This is why people shouldn’t get married – because the moms are so terrible! (Age 7)
Roan: Dad, the next time we go to Han Ah Reum, can we get cow’s tongue? Cow’s tongue is basically a cow’s tongue but it’s cut off so people can eat it. Dad: Uh, sure I’ll try it. Roan: Dad, you and I can eat it because we’re ogres. But mom can’t because she’s human. …
Roan: Robots don’t have blood. Well, not much. (Age 7)
Roan (playing his keyboard): I call this song “The Heart of Failure!” (Age 7)
Roan: My girlfriend Alexa said she wants to stay home with the kids. Instead of being a ninja. Dad: She wants to be a stay-at-home mom? Roan: Yes. While I’m being a body builder. (Age 7)
Roan: No one actually knows what God looks like. I mean, they know he has a beard, but they don’t know anything else. (Age 7)
Roan: Moms are so hard to control!
“Raising Roan” books will be on sale at the Honestly Autism Day (HAD) conference at Towson University on April 20, 2013. Special conference price is $10/book (save 10% and no shipping). If you’re planning to attend, stop by the vendor tables in the Potomac Lounge.
Roan: Other people want to know when your pattern will end. But you can’t tell them. You have to show them.
Roan: I’m in a new band called Dead Life. Are there any vampire bats in the basement? My band is going to play down there, and I don’t want any of them to get blood-sucked.
Roan (after a 2-hour Cub Scout event): I thought I was going to die of old age at the firehouse.
Roan: Mom, you’re a love story. What I mean is, you are love. What I mean is, you are a loving person.
Roan: I don’t want to be a teenager. I just want to drive race cars, be a screenwriter, and wreck my house with my big muscles!
Roan (to Mom, during a bedtime chat): You’re a nice mother. You married the right man. You help Dad with his career. His career is making the money. I can’t help with that because I’m busy going to school and doing homework and stuff like that.
Roan (waiting impatiently for Mom to help him pick up his toys): I’m going to tell the President of the United States that you did not help me! —— Roan (after losing his temper and being told he would have to wait until he was calm to go to his playdate): Jesus doesn’t like you!
Roan: I like thumb wrestling. I probably did thumb wrestling in your belly with your ribs.
Mom (yelling from the bathroom): Roan, you need to aim for the toilet! Roan (yelling from his room): Take deep breaths and calm down! It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like the world turned to pink poo-poo dust.
Dad: What would be a good nickname for Leia [the cat]? Roan (without any hesitation): Leslie Fisherman!
Roan: When I’m a grown-up I want to be a chemist and an author. Like on Tuesday’s I’ll be a chemist and on Wednesdays I’ll be an author.
Roan (after watching The Amazing Spiderman): I hope I have a really cool nightmare!
Roan doodled this on my desk as he was waiting for me to get off the computer and play with him (click to see full image).
Roan: Mom, I farted in my sleep and it woke me up, and I thought – mother of God, I hope Santa doesn’t come in here when I do that on Christmas Eve!
Roan: Santa is obese.
Roan (after breakfast): Dada, can we listen to Thin Lizzy? Roan’s Current Top 5 Muse Thin Lizzy AC/DC Kiss ZZ Top
Roan (on his best friend at Pre-K): Zachy was saying bathroom words at school. So my friends and teachers are going to take him to the doctor and the doctor is going to take an x-ray of his head so we can find out why he keeps saying those words.
Roan: I’m going to miss being a kid.
Roan: What is that we’re having for dinner? Casey: Ribs. Roan: Are they human ribs?
Roan: Mama, I think for next Halloween I want to be God. Lavina (scavenging purse for pen and paper while driving)… Roan: Mama don’t write that down. This is serious.
Roan: Is the Death Star close to here? Is it in this human place?
Roan: Mama, does every child become evil when they grow up? Will I turn evil like Annakin?
Grandma Becky: I’m sending you kisses now over the phone. [SWAK!] Did you catch them? Roan: I caught them and put them in my mouth because they taste like strawberries.
Alphie, to Roan: I’m glad you had fun with your babsitter today! How is he doing? Lavina: He’s fine. Roan (reporting brightly, like a physician’s assistant): Not sick or dead.
Roan: Do you want to say “Hi” to Buttcrack? Casey: Buttcrack? What do you mean Buttcrack? What is Buttcrack? Roan: Buttcrack is a great hider. He can hide forever. But he’s coming out now… Here he is! (Roan’s hand emerges from under the dining room table and parks claw-like with bent fingers next to his …
Roan: Mama, when Darth Vader was a baby, did he wear black Darth Vader diapers?
Roan: Dada, maybe I should go to Star Wars school. How about Star Wars kindergarten?
Roan (singing to himself): Twinkle, twinkle little Death Star…
Lavina: Roan, I’m just curious, would you have more fun with a dog, cat, or baby brother or sister? Roan: Just a baby dragon named Jeffrey.
Roan (doubtful, talking to self while watching a video): Spiderman is MY friendly neighborhood Spiderman? I’m not sure he’s a neighbor. I think people call him a neighbor because he’s friendly. But he’s really just a superhero.
Roan: I want to drink real coffee with my breakfast. Casey: How come? Roan: Because I want to get JACKED UP!
Roan: When I get older I’m going to break out of my kid skin and grow big kid skin.
Lavina (exasperated): What do you mean you’re not hungry now? You complained the ENTIRE time at Lowes about being hungry. Roan: I’m not hungry. I was just having a tantrum – I was speaking it in language.
Roan (eating a rare serving of cheetos): Mama, these are yummy! Lavina: Yes, these are called cheetos. It’s junk food. It’s a treat. Roan (concerned and confused): But Mama, junk food is bad for you! Lavina: Yes, that’s why we don’t eat it every day. Roan (2 min later): Mmm, these are yuuuummy. Mama, maybe …
Roan: Mama, the bad guy in my brain is telling me to eat my boogers. The good guy in my brain is pushing buttons on a machine to make me keep my hands out of my mouth.
Roan: I quit this family! Casey: It was nice having you.
Roan: I got knocked out by a tornado. But then I lasso’d it and threw it in a garbage truck to take it to the dump. I saved all the people.
Roan: Dada, do you have superpowers? Casey: No, do you? Roan: Yes, I have five: stretchING, graspING…and rocking out!
Roan: Dada, would you like to smell my feet? Casey: No thanks. Roan: Every grown-up must smell his children’s feet. It’s a rule.
Roan comes up with some very strange names for his action figures. Here is a current sample (spelled phonetically – he is insistent on having us pronounce them correctly): Cain Call Sosgosh Rerkie Sasho Dagog Duke Botch Super Bish Super Gawk Gitchy, Witchy, & Bulb Drike
Lavina: Look at this award Dada got! It means he did a really good job at work. Roan: No time-outs?
Roan: Can I have breakfast in bed for Boys’ Day?
Roan: I popped an egg out from my butt, and it was a ducky. It got in there by accident.
Lavina (after Roan saw Justin Bieber on Oprah): Do you want to be a rock star some day and sing a song on stage? Roan: I just want to be in Kiss with my face painted. I want to be Gene Simmons.