Mom (yelling at Roan for jumping hurdles over the cat with a bang): That is not nice! You’re scaring him! Roan (to the cat): I’m sorry for messing with your lifespan. (Age 9)
Mom (annoyed): I don’t like how [the cat] is getting litter everywhere. Roan: What happened to him? He used to be cool. (Age 9)
Roan (a day after falling and getting major scrapes): Mom, I lost my bandaid while I was sleeping, and I found it this morning hanging from my shirt, with all the sorrows.
Mom: Look, all the snow is gone! Roan: Time to start a new life. (Age 8)
Roan (admiring his bare torso in the bathroom mirror): I’m cut! (Age 8)
Roan: The day that I hear it from a doctor that there are sick germs in my boogers is the day that I will try to stop eating my boogers. Mom: How about if I show you proof on the Internet? Roan: I would like to interact with a doctor, because they all have different …
Roan: The bad thing about Katrina’s birthday is that I’ll be surrounded by girls. Dad: Well, that could be a good thing. Roan: No, actually it will be bad for my social life. (Age 8)
Roan (talking face to face with the family cat, who recently killed and left a dead mouse in the hallway): Hey bro, you got blood on our house. You fought fire with fire with that mouse. (Age 8)
Roan (with seriousness and concern): Today at school Darin put a lollipop back in his mouth after dropping it on the ground and he said it was salty from the salt they use to melt the snow, and I told him he wouldn’t have a tongue by tomorrow morning! I told him that the salt would …
Roan (commenting on a choir member’s robe while visiting a friend’s church service): That guy’s time must be all messed up because he’s wearing a nightgown in the middle of the afternoon. (Age 8)
Roan (after eating his second piece of pumpkin pie and whipped cream with Christmas dinner): My life has been fulfilled! (Age 8)
Roan (looking at a photo of himself as a three-day old infant): So tiny, and so useless! (Age 8)
Roan: My friend Henry gets to stay up until 10pm! I would like to live in that family. (Age 8)
Roan: My first bike ride was tragic, violent, and legendary! (Age 8)
Roan (yelling): Dad, mom left for work! It’s time for your role. (Age 8)
Roan: The movie “Boyhood” is Rated R because it has alcoholic beverages and the boy’s dad is an alcoholist. (Age 8)
Roan: There has to be a video where I can see a chicken laying an egg out of its butt. There has to be, because humans are extraordinary, and can accomplish many things. (Age 8)
Roan: Sometimes planets explode and the rock turns into other planets. Technically, God made all the planets, and…yeah.
Roan: I’ll save up money for you and Dad to go to Hawaii for your anniversary, but it will take 2 years because I’ll have to save $100. (Age 8)
Roan: At camp today we made a movie, and it’s Rated PG because there’s mild humor and intense scenes. (Age 8)
Roan: The more you learn about super heroes, the more knowledge you have about God. (Age 8)
Roan: When I was little, Dad put rock and roll in my mind, and it changed my life forever. (Age 8)
Roan: Mom, are you sad I’m growing up? My old self needed a booster seat and didn’t say “crap” very much. My new self doesn’t need a booster seat and says “crap” more often. (Age 8)
Roan (to pediatrician, when asked if he had any concerns): No worries except for blood poisoning and turning into a hobo maniac. (Age 8)
Roan: I have an irrational fear that one of my farts is going to blow up the world. (Age 8)
Roan: Dad, remember that day you ruined my life forever? Dad: What? Roan: When you threw the baseball and it went into the street and down the sewer? Dad: Oh, I’m sorry, but there will be a lot of those days. (Age 8)
Roan: I forget a lot of stuff. I tend to have three cords unplugged in my brain. (Age 7)
Roan: [Our cat] says a lot of swear words in his mind. (Age 7)
Roan: I can’t wait to propose to the woman I’m gonna love. (Age 7)
Roan: I like [Grandma] being overprotective. It’s good for me. (Age 7)
Roan (from the sidelines of a soccer game, when one of his teammates got hit in the face with the ball): Beep beep beep! Detecting high levels of geek! (Age 7)
Roan: Dad, why didn’t you choose an easier job, like someone at an arcade? (Age 7)
Roan (to Mom): Would you please sit down and enjoy your life?
Roan (after being told “no” to having candy before dinner): This is why people shouldn’t get married – because the moms are so terrible! (Age 7)
Roan: Dad, the next time we go to Han Ah Reum, can we get cow’s tongue? Cow’s tongue is basically a cow’s tongue but it’s cut off so people can eat it. Dad: Uh, sure I’ll try it. Roan: Dad, you and I can eat it because we’re ogres. But mom can’t because she’s human. …
Roan: Robots don’t have blood. Well, not much. (Age 7)
Roan (playing his keyboard): I call this song “The Heart of Failure!” (Age 7)
Roan: My girlfriend Alexa said she wants to stay home with the kids. Instead of being a ninja. Dad: She wants to be a stay-at-home mom? Roan: Yes. While I’m being a body builder. (Age 7)
Roan: No one actually knows what God looks like. I mean, they know he has a beard, but they don’t know anything else. (Age 7)
Roan: Moms are so hard to control!
“Raising Roan” books will be on sale at the Honestly Autism Day (HAD) conference at Towson University on April 20, 2013. Special conference price is $10/book (save 10% and no shipping). If you’re planning to attend, stop by the vendor tables in the Potomac Lounge.
Roan: Other people want to know when your pattern will end. But you can’t tell them. You have to show them.
Roan: I’m in a new band called Dead Life. Are there any vampire bats in the basement? My band is going to play down there, and I don’t want any of them to get blood-sucked.
Roan (after a 2-hour Cub Scout event): I thought I was going to die of old age at the firehouse.
Roan: Mom, you’re a love story. What I mean is, you are love. What I mean is, you are a loving person.
Roan: I don’t want to be a teenager. I just want to drive race cars, be a screenwriter, and wreck my house with my big muscles!
Roan (to Mom, during a bedtime chat): You’re a nice mother. You married the right man. You help Dad with his career. His career is making the money. I can’t help with that because I’m busy going to school and doing homework and stuff like that.
Roan (waiting impatiently for Mom to help him pick up his toys): I’m going to tell the President of the United States that you did not help me! —— Roan (after losing his temper and being told he would have to wait until he was calm to go to his playdate): Jesus doesn’t like you!
Roan: I like thumb wrestling. I probably did thumb wrestling in your belly with your ribs.
Mom (yelling from the bathroom): Roan, you need to aim for the toilet! Roan (yelling from his room): Take deep breaths and calm down! It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like the world turned to pink poo-poo dust.