Animal Awareness

Mom (yelling at Roan for jumping hurdles over the cat with a bang): That is not nice! You’re scaring him! Roan (to the cat): I’m sorry for messing with your lifespan.  (Age 9)

Family Awareness

Mom (annoyed): I don’t like how [the cat] is getting litter everywhere.  Roan: What happened to him? He used to be cool. (Age 9)

Emotional Awareness

Roan (a day after falling and getting major scrapes): Mom, I lost my bandaid while I was sleeping, and I found it this morning hanging from my shirt, with all the sorrows. 

Anatomical Awareness

Roan: The day that I hear it from a doctor that there are sick germs in my boogers is the day that I will try to stop eating my boogers. Mom: How about if I show you proof on the Internet? Roan: I would like to interact with a doctor, because they all have different … Continue reading

Social Awareness

Roan: The bad thing about Katrina’s birthday is that I’ll be surrounded by girls. Dad: Well, that could be a good thing. Roan: No, actually it will be bad for my social life. (Age 8)

Existential Awareness

Roan (talking face to face with the family cat, who recently killed and left a dead mouse in the hallway): Hey bro, you got blood on our house. You fought fire with fire with that mouse. (Age 8)

Anatomical Awareness

Roan (with seriousness and concern): Today at school Darin put a lollipop back in his mouth after dropping it on the ground and he said it was salty from the salt they use to melt the snow, and I told him he wouldn’t have a tongue by tomorrow morning! I told him that the salt would … Continue reading

Social Awareness

Roan (commenting on a choir member’s robe while visiting a friend’s church service): That guy’s time must be all messed up because he’s wearing a nightgown in the middle of the afternoon. (Age 8)

Existential Awareness

Roan (after eating his second piece of pumpkin pie and whipped cream with Christmas dinner): My life has been fulfilled! (Age 8)

Social Awareness

Roan: The movie “Boyhood” is Rated R because it has alcoholic beverages and the boy’s dad is an alcoholist. (Age 8)

Existential Awareness

Roan: There has to be a video where I can see a chicken laying an egg out of its butt. There has to be, because humans are extraordinary, and can accomplish many things. (Age 8)

Economic Awareness

Roan: I’ll save up money for you and Dad to go to Hawaii for your anniversary, but it will take 2 years because I’ll have to save $100. (Age 8)

Emotional Awareness

Roan: Mom, are you sad I’m growing up? My old self needed a booster seat and didn’t say “crap” very much. My new self doesn’t need a booster seat and says “crap” more often. (Age 8)

Anatomical Awareness

Roan (to pediatrician, when asked if he had any concerns): No worries except for blood poisoning and turning into a hobo maniac. (Age 8)

Family of Origin

Roan: Dad, remember that day you ruined my life forever? Dad: What? Roan: When you threw the baseball and it went into the street and down the sewer? Dad: Oh, I’m sorry, but there will be a lot of those days. (Age 8)

Social Awareness

Roan (from the sidelines of a soccer game, when one of his teammates got hit in the face with the ball): Beep beep beep! Detecting high levels of geek! (Age 7)

Diet and Lifestyle

Roan (after being told “no” to having candy before dinner): This is why people shouldn’t get married – because the moms are so terrible! (Age 7)

Diet and Lifestyle

Roan: Dad, the next time we go to Han Ah Reum, can we get cow’s tongue? Cow’s tongue is basically a cow’s tongue but it’s cut off so people can eat it. Dad: Uh, sure I’ll try it. Roan: Dad, you and I can eat it because we’re ogres. But mom can’t because she’s human. … Continue reading

Social Awareness

Roan: My girlfriend Alexa said she wants to stay home with the kids. Instead of being a ninja. Dad: She wants to be a stay-at-home mom? Roan: Yes. While I’m being a body builder. (Age 7)

Book Signing Event! Towson, MD April 20, 2013

“Raising Roan” books will be on sale at the Honestly Autism Day (HAD) conference at Towson University on April 20, 2013. Special conference price is $10/book (save 10% and no shipping). If you’re planning to attend, stop by the vendor tables in the Potomac Lounge.

Ever the Rocker

Roan: I’m in a new band called Dead Life. Are there any vampire bats in the basement? My band is going to play down there, and I don’t want any of them to get blood-sucked.

Tour of Duty

Roan (after a 2-hour Cub Scout event): I thought I was going to die of old age at the firehouse.

On Growing Up

Roan: I don’t want to be a teenager. I just want to drive race cars, be a screenwriter, and wreck my house with my big muscles!

Annual Review

Roan (to Mom, during a bedtime chat): You’re a nice mother. You married the right man. You help Dad with his career. His career is making the money. I can’t help with that because I’m busy going to school and doing homework and stuff like that.

Appealing to the Authorities

Roan (waiting impatiently for Mom to help him pick up his toys): I’m going to tell the President of the United States that you did not help me! —— Roan (after losing his temper and being told he would have to wait until he was calm to go to his playdate): Jesus doesn’t like you!


Roan: I like thumb wrestling. I probably did thumb wrestling in your belly with your ribs.

Deep Breaths

Mom (yelling from the bathroom): Roan, you need to aim for the toilet! Roan (yelling from his room): Take deep breaths and calm down! It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like the world turned to pink poo-poo dust.