Roan: I like [Grandma] being overprotective. It’s good for me. (Age 7)
Roan (from the sidelines of a soccer game, when one of his teammates got hit in the face with the ball): Beep beep beep! Detecting high levels of geek! (Age 7)
Roan: Dad, why didn’t you choose an easier job, like someone at an arcade? (Age 7)
Roan (to Mom): Would you please sit down and enjoy life?
Roan (after being told “no” to having candy before dinner): This is why people shouldn’t get married: because the moms are so terrible! (Age 7)
Roan: Dad, the next time we go to Han Ah Reum, can we get cow’s tongue? Cow’s tongue is basically a cow’s tongue but it’s cut off so people can eat it. Dad: Uh, sure I’ll try it. Roan: Dad, you and I can eat it because we’re ogres. But mom can’t because she’s human. …
Roan: Robots don’t have blood. Well, not much. (Age 7)
Roan (playing his keyboard): I call this song “The Heart of Failure!” (Age 7)
Roan: My girlfriend Alexa said she wants to stay home with the kids. Instead of being a ninja. Dad: She wants to be a stay-at-home mom? Roan: Yes. While I’m being a body builder. (Age 7)
Roan: No one actually knows what God looks like. I mean, they know he has a beard, but they don’t know anything else. (Age 7)
Roan: Moms are so hard to control!
“Raising Roan” books will be on sale at the Honestly Autism Day (HAD) conference at Towson University on April 20, 2013. Special conference price is $10/book (save 10% and no shipping). If you’re planning to attend, stop by the vendor tables in the Potomac Lounge.
Roan: Other people want to know when your pattern will will end. But you can’t tell them. You have to show them.
Roan: I’m in a new band called Dead Life. Are there any vampire bats in the basement? My band is going to play down there, and I don’t want any of them to get blood-sucked.
Roan (after a 2-hour Cub Scout event): I thought I was going to die of old age at the firehouse.
Roan: Mom, you’re a love story. What I mean is, you are love. What I mean is, you are a loving person.
Roan: I don’t want to be a teenager. I just want to drive race cars, be a screenwriter, and wreck my house with my big muscles!
Roan (to Mom, during a bedtime chat): You’re a nice mother. You married the right man. You help Dad with his career. His career is making the money. I can’t help with that because I’m busy going to school and doing homework and stuff like that.
Roan (waiting impatiently for Mom to help him pick up his toys): I’m going to tell the President of the United States that you did not help me! —— Roan (after losing his temper and being told he would have to wait until he was calm to go to his playdate): Jesus doesn’t like you!
Roan: I like thumb wrestling. I probably did thumb wrestling in your belly with your ribs.
Mom (yelling from the bathroom): Roan, you need to aim for the toilet! Roan (yelling from his room): Take deep breaths and calm down! It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like the world turned to pink poo-poo dust.
Dad: What would be a good nickname for Leia (the cat)? Roan (without any hesitation): Leslie Fisherman!
Roan: When I’m a grown-up I want to be a chemist and an author. Like on Tuesday’s I’ll be a chemist and on Wednesdays I’ll be an author.
Roan (after watching The Amazing Spiderman): I hope I have a really cool nightmare!
Roan doodled this on my desk as he was waiting for me to get off the computer and play with him (click to see full image).
Roan: Mom, I farted in my sleep and it woke me up, and I thought – mother of God, I hope Santa doesn’t come in here when I do that on Christmas Eve!
Roan: Santa is obese.
Roan (after breakfast): Dada, can we listen to Thin Lizzy? Roan’s Current Top 5 Muse Thin Lizzy AC/DC Kiss ZZ Top
Roan (on his best friend at Pre-K): Zachy was saying bathroom words at school. So my friends and teachers are going to take him to the doctor and the doctor is going to take an x-ray of his head so we can find out why he keeps saying those words.
Roan: I’m going to miss being a kid.
Roan: What is that we’re having for dinner? Casey: Ribs. Roan: Are they human ribs?
Roan: Mama, I think for next Halloween I want to be God. Lavina (scavenging purse for pen and paper while driving)… Roan: Mama don’t write that down. This is serious.
Roan: Is the Death Star close to here? Is it in this human place?
Roan: Mama, does every child become evil when they grow up? Will I turn evil like Annakin?
Grandma Becky: I’m sending you kisses now over the phone. [SWAK!] Did you catch them? Roan: I caught them and put them in my mouth because they taste like strawberries.
Alphie, to Roan: I’m glad you had fun with your babsitter today! How is he doing? Lavina: He’s fine. Roan (reporting brightly, like a physician’s assistant): Not sick or dead.
Roan: Do you want to say “Hi” to Buttcrack? Casey: Buttcrack? What do you mean Buttcrack? What is Buttcrack? Roan: Buttcrack is a great hider. He can hide forever. But he’s coming out now… Here he is! (Roan’s hand emerges from under the dining room table and parks claw-like with bent fingers next to his …
Roan: Mama, when Darth Vader was a baby, did he wear black Darth Vader diapers?
Roan: Dada, maybe I should go to Star Wars school. How about Star Wars kindergarten?
Roan (singing to himself): Twinkle, twinkle little Death Star…
Lavina: Roan, I’m just curious, would you have more fun with a dog, cat, or baby brother or sister? Roan: Just a baby dragon named Jeffrey.
Roan (doubtful, talking to self while watching a video): Spiderman is MY friendly neighborhood Spiderman? I’m not sure he’s a neighbor. I think people call him a neighbor because he’s friendly. But he’s really just a superhero.
Roan: I want to drink real coffee with my breakfast. Casey: How come? Roan: Because I want to get JACKED UP!
Roan: When I get older I’m going to break out of my kid skin and grow big kid skin.
Lavina (exasperated): What do you mean you’re not hungry now? You complained the ENTIRE time at Lowes about being hungry. Roan: I’m not hungry. I was just having a tantrum – I was speaking it in language.
Roan (eating a rare serving of cheetos): Mama, these are yummy! Lavina: Yes, these are called cheetos. It’s junk food. It’s a treat. Roan (concerned and confused): But Mama, junk food is bad for you! Lavina: Yes, that’s why we don’t eat it every day. Roan (2 min later): Mmm, these are yuuuummy. Mama, maybe …
Roan: Mama, the bad guy in my brain is telling me to eat my boogers. The good guy in my brain is pushing buttons on a machine to make me keep my hands out of my mouth.
Roan: I quit this family! Casey: It was nice having you.
Roan: I got knocked out by a tornado. But then I lasso’d it and threw it in a garbage truck to take it to the dump. I saved all the people.
Roan: Dada, do you have superpowers? Casey: No, do you? Roan: Yes, I have five: stretchING, graspING…and rocking out!