Raising Roan

Roan: I thought it was a shared opinion that most babies are ugly. Apparently it’s controversial.

Roan (to Mom): You’re overly enthusiastic about what I’m saying. Just go “Mmm…yeah.” That’s how I got through a 20-minute conversation with your uncle about taxes and retirement plans.” (Age 16)

Roan: Kindergarten is a cult. They make you stand up and pledge allegiance. (Age 15)

Mom: Do you want to watch a movie about metal music with dad and I? Roan: No, that’s not a good use of my time. Spending time with you and dad is the worst possible use of my time. (Age 14)

Mom: I don’t like how you’re talking to me. I don’t think you should bite the hand that feeds. Roan: Biting the hand that feeds is a part of life. (Age 14)

Mom: Did you like the chili? Roan: I liked it when you added beef. Beef elevates any dish. (Age 14)

Mom: Thanks for cleaning up the cat puke! Roan: You owe me. Mom: I don’t owe you, but I thank you. Roan: I prefer “owe” to “thanks.” (Age 14)

Mom: How can you not like oranges? Roan: How can you not like death metal? (Age 14)

Roan: Children are acceptable. Adolescents are unpredictable. I prefer adults. It all goes downhill after age one. (Age 14)

Roan (after talking to his great grandmother on the phone): Granny is…unrestrained. (Age 14)

Roan (on the way home after a drive-through 8th grade graduation, during the heart of the covid-19 pandemic): I’m really glad I got to say good bye to all my friends. And now I can’t wait for more quarantine. (Age 14)

Roan: My peak attractiveness is when I’m wearing sunglasses. (Age 14)

Mom (leaving the house for school): Smell the fresh air! Roan: I smell pain! (Age 13)

Mom: How’s your day off school going? Roan: I’m losing more and more purpose as the hours go by. (Age 13)

Roan (to Mom): You’re so embarrassing because you’re too open. You shouldn’t tell someone your life story. I slowly drop moments of my life. And then people want to know more. That’s how I build my mystique. (Age 13)

Roan (looking at old photos of his Aunt H): Are you wearing a costume? Aunt H: No, those were my regular clothes. Roan: Oh, I thought you were dressed as a nerd for Halloween.

Roan: The reason my favorite word is “No” is because it prevents me from having to do a lot of random stuff I don’t want to do. (Age 12)

Aunt Heather: I can’t believe you can eat an entire medium Blizzard! Roan: A small Blizzard is good, but it’s not enough for my mind to comprehend what I’m taking in. (Age 12)

Mom: Roan you haven’t been wearing your glasses. You need to wear them. Roan: I’d flip you off, but I’m not going to, because I’m nice. (Age 12)

Roan: I like being alone because it means I can be my own man. (Age 12)

Roan (after hurting himself): I saw white in my soul. (Age 12)

Dad: What did you think of the graphic Bible you got for your birthday? Roan: I was disappointed I spent all that time reading the Bible when I could have been reading comics.

Roan: When I’m dead I’d like a casket to cover my body, and then I’d like gasoline to be poured on it, and I’d like it to be lit on fire while it’s in the ground. But since I can’t do that, I’ll just donate my body to science. (Age 12)

Roan: I don’t feel good after smelling my armpits. It’s the same feeling as car sickness. (Age 12)

Grandma: What were the people in Iceland like? Roan: They cuss freely. (Age 12)

Roan: I wanted to make a good comeback to what Dad said, but I decided to protect our relationship. (Age 12)

Mom: Roan, how was the sleepover? Roan: It was a really productive night! (Age 11)

Roan: Sunday is my last day to rest, so I’d like to use my time wisely by not going to church. (Age 11)

Roan (getting into the car after school): Did you bring me a snack? Mom: I forgot. Roan: Prepare to face consequences! (Age 11)

Roan (after asking to be shut in the trunk for 5 seconds to see what it would be like): What a journey! (Age 11)

Hello friends, It’s Roan’s mom here. I took a hiatus from posting when Roan turned 12 to give him more privacy during middle school. Then I got caught up with career. However I have continued to store random quotes in my phone. Roan recently found an old copy of the printed book “Raising Roan” in … Continue reading →

Roan (last words on Christmas Eve with lights out): Sugar plums assemble! Candy cane sidekicks – you too!

Roan (playing his keyboard): I call this song “The Heart of Failure!” (Age 7)

Roan: My girlfriend Alexa said she wants to stay home with the kids. Instead of being a ninja. Dad: She wants to be a stay-at-home mom? Roan: Yes. While I’m being a body builder. (Age 7)

Roan: No one actually knows what God looks like. I mean, they know he has a beard, but they don’t know anything else. (Age 7)

Roan: Moms are so hard to control!

“Raising Roan” books will be on sale at the Honestly Autism Day (HAD) conference at Towson University on April 20, 2013. Special conference price is $10/book (save 10% and no shipping). If you’re planning to attend, stop by the vendor tables in the Potomac Lounge.

Roan: Other people want to know when your pattern will end. But you can’t tell them. You have to show them.

Roan: I’m in a new band called Dead Life. Are there any vampire bats in the basement? My band is going to play down there, and I don’t want any of them to get blood-sucked.

Roan (after a 2-hour Cub Scout event): I thought I was going to die of old age at the firehouse.

Roan: Mom, you’re a love story. What I mean is, you are love. What I mean is, you are a loving person.