Parenting Awareness

Roan (lamenting in the car): You guys haven’t raised me well because I have never been to Burger King in my entire life! (Age 10) Advertisements

School of Rock

Roan (to Dad): I know I have failed you by asking this question, but what’s the name of the AC/DC song with the bagpipes? (Age 9)

Holiday Reality

Roan (to his Grandma on Christmas morning): On half the gifts I wrote “To Grandma From Roan,” and I didn’t even pick them out, so don’t get too happy. (Age 9)

Efficiency Awareness

Roan (helping repair a hallway railing): Do we really need to put  this railing back on? Mom: Yes, the housing code requires a railing for a certain number of stairs.  Roan: Ok, let’s remove some of these stairs. Wait, then I’d have to jump. Let’s decrease the size of the house. 

Family of Origin

Roan (singing a made-up song to himself): You’re an idiot, and you don’t know anything. But you’re my mom, and that’s what counts. (Age 9 1/2)

Aging Awareness

Roan (after pestering his very tired, sleep-deprived father at breakfast): You’re going to have a really good break when you’re in your 70s, Dad. 

Science Awareness

Roan (in the car, commenting on a billboard ad of Mr.T selling iced tea with butterfly wings on his back): That’s genetics in action, people! (Age 9)    

Emotional Awareness

Mom: What I never realized growing up is that Charlie Brown has untreated clinical depression.  Roan: Maybe he should join the band Nirvana. (Age 9)

Developmental Awareness

Dad: Nah, I don’t wanna jump in the leaves.  Roan: Your inner child just died a little. Casey: I can’t jump in the leaves, I’ll get hurt! I’m too old.  Roan: Ok, your inner child is in the hospital now, with only a few weeks to live. 

Id Awareness

Roan (to mom at dinner): I really want to pour my chili all over your face right now. I don’t know why. It’s like a life goal. (Age 9)

Anatomical Awareness

Mom (looking a photo of an elk): Can you imagine carrying horns on your head every day of your life? Roan (matter-of-factly): I carry a 300 pound backpack on my back every day. Mom: Touché.

Sexuality and Reproduction Awareness

Roan: Do you sometimes wish you’d had another baby? Dad: Yes, but I’m also glad we have just you. When you’re married, you can decide how many kids you want to have. Roan: That will require A LOT of sex.

Developmental Awareness

Roan (in public, people watching): Is that a spoon taped to that baby’s mouth? Oh, that’s a pacifier. I was wondering why they would do that to a minor. (Age 9)

Social Awareness

Roan (out of the blue, in thought): So, when I was in kindergarten I told my teacher I had a shart. Why would I do that?

Sexuality and Reproduction Awareness

Roan: In nine years I’m going to be a man and I’m going to have a girlfriend and then I’m going to get married and then we’re going to have sex on the couch and have a baby. And then we’re going to have sex on the couch again and have another baby. (Age 9)

Point of View Awareness

Grandma: Roan, you watched several hours of PG14 history documentaries, with all that killing?! Roan: Dad was with me. Grandma: Dad let you watch that? Roan: Well, technically Dad was sleeping on the couch, but from a certain point of view, you could say he was with me.

Animal Awareness

Mom (yelling at Roan for jumping hurdles over the cat with a bang): That is not nice! You’re scaring him! Roan (to the cat): I’m sorry for messing with your lifespan.  (Age 9)

Family Awareness

Mom (annoyed): I don’t like how [the cat] is getting litter everywhere.  Roan: What happened to him? He used to be cool. (Age 9)

Emotional Awareness

Roan (a day after falling and getting major scrapes): Mom, I lost my bandaid while I was sleeping, and I found it this morning hanging from my shirt, with all the sorrows. 

Anatomical Awareness

Roan: The day that I hear it from a doctor that there are sick germs in my boogers is the day that I will try to stop eating my boogers. Mom: How about if I show you proof on the Internet? Roan: I would like to interact with a doctor, because they all have different … Continue reading

Social Awareness

Roan: The bad thing about Katrina’s birthday is that I’ll be surrounded by girls. Dad: Well, that could be a good thing. Roan: No, actually it will be bad for my social life. (Age 8)

Existential Awareness

Roan (talking face to face with the family cat, who recently killed and left a dead mouse in the hallway): Hey bro, you got blood on our house. You fought fire with fire with that mouse. (Age 8)

Anatomical Awareness

Roan (with seriousness and concern): Today at school Darin put a lollipop back in his mouth after dropping it on the ground and he said it was salty from the salt they use to melt the snow, and I told him he wouldn’t have a tongue by tomorrow morning! I told him that the salt would … Continue reading

Social Awareness

Roan (commenting on a choir member’s robe while visiting a friend’s church service): That guy’s time must be all messed up because he’s wearing a nightgown in the middle of the afternoon. (Age 8)

Existential Awareness

Roan (after eating his second piece of pumpkin pie and whipped cream with Christmas dinner): My life has been fulfilled! (Age 8)

Social Awareness

Roan: The movie “Boyhood” is Rated R because it has alcoholic beverages and the boy’s dad is an alcoholist. (Age 8)

Existential Awareness

Roan: There has to be a video where I can see a chicken laying an egg out of its butt. There has to be, because humans are extraordinary, and can accomplish many things. (Age 8)

Economic Awareness

Roan: I’ll save up money for you and Dad to go to Hawaii for your anniversary, but it will take 2 years because I’ll have to save $100. (Age 8)

Emotional Awareness

Roan: Mom, are you sad I’m growing up? My old self needed a booster seat and didn’t say “crap” very much. My new self doesn’t need a booster seat and says “crap” more often. (Age 8)

Anatomical Awareness

Roan (to pediatrician, when asked if he had any concerns): No worries except for blood poisoning and turning into a hobo maniac. (Age 8)

Family of Origin

Roan: Dad, remember that day you ruined my life forever? Dad: What? Roan: When you threw the baseball and it went into the street and down the sewer? Dad: Oh, I’m sorry, but there will be a lot of those days. (Age 8)

Social Awareness

Roan (from the sidelines of a soccer game, when one of his teammates got hit in the face with the ball): Beep beep beep! Detecting high levels of geek! (Age 7)

Diet and Lifestyle

Roan (after being told “no” to having candy before dinner): This is why people shouldn’t get married – because the moms are so terrible! (Age 7)

Diet and Lifestyle

Roan: Dad, the next time we go to Han Ah Reum, can we get cow’s tongue? Cow’s tongue is basically a cow’s tongue but it’s cut off so people can eat it. Dad: Uh, sure I’ll try it. Roan: Dad, you and I can eat it because we’re ogres. But mom can’t because she’s human. … Continue reading

Social Awareness

Roan: My girlfriend Alexa said she wants to stay home with the kids. Instead of being a ninja. Dad: She wants to be a stay-at-home mom? Roan: Yes. While I’m being a body builder. (Age 7)

Book Signing Event! Towson, MD April 20, 2013

“Raising Roan” books will be on sale at the Honestly Autism Day (HAD) conference at Towson University on April 20, 2013. Special conference price is $10/book (save 10% and no shipping). If you’re planning to attend, stop by the vendor tables in the Potomac Lounge.

Ever the Rocker

Roan: I’m in a new band called Dead Life. Are there any vampire bats in the basement? My band is going to play down there, and I don’t want any of them to get blood-sucked.

Tour of Duty

Roan (after a 2-hour Cub Scout event): I thought I was going to die of old age at the firehouse.

On Growing Up

Roan: I don’t want to be a teenager. I just want to drive race cars, be a screenwriter, and wreck my house with my big muscles!

Annual Review

Roan (to Mom, during a bedtime chat): You’re a nice mother. You married the right man. You help Dad with his career. His career is making the money. I can’t help with that because I’m busy going to school and doing homework and stuff like that.

Appealing to the Authorities

Roan (waiting impatiently for Mom to help him pick up his toys): I’m going to tell the President of the United States that you did not help me! —— Roan (after losing his temper and being told he would have to wait until he was calm to go to his playdate): Jesus doesn’t like you!


Roan: I like thumb wrestling. I probably did thumb wrestling in your belly with your ribs.

Deep Breaths

Mom (yelling from the bathroom): Roan, you need to aim for the toilet! Roan (yelling from his room): Take deep breaths and calm down! It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like the world turned to pink poo-poo dust.

Career Awareness

Career Awareness

Roan: When I’m a grown-up I want to be a chemist and an author. Like on Tuesday’s I’ll be a chemist and on Wednesdays I’ll be an author.

Print Preview

Print Preview

Roan doodled this on my desk as he was waiting for me to get off the computer and play with him (click to see full image).

Roan: Mom, I farted in my sleep and it woke me up, and I thought – mother of God, I hope Santa doesn’t come in here when I do that on Christmas Eve!

Bathroom Words

Roan (on his best friend at Pre-K): Zachy was saying bathroom words at school. So my friends and teachers are going to take him to the doctor and the doctor is going to take an x-ray of his head so we can find out why he keeps saying those words.

Delicious Kisses

Grandma Becky: I’m sending you kisses now over the phone. [SWAK!] Did you catch them? Roan: I caught them and put them in my mouth because they taste like strawberries.

Alive and Well

Alphie, to Roan: I’m glad you had fun with your babsitter today! How is he doing? Lavina: He’s fine. Roan (reporting brightly, like a physician’s assistant):  Not sick or dead.

Finger Puppets

Roan: Do you want to say “Hi” to Buttcrack? Casey: Buttcrack? What do you mean Buttcrack? What is Buttcrack? Roan: Buttcrack is a great hider. He can hide forever. But he’s coming out now… Here he is! (Roan’s hand emerges from under the dining room table and parks claw-like with bent fingers next to his … Continue reading

(L)only Child Check

Lavina: Roan, I’m just curious, would you have more fun with a dog, cat, or baby brother or sister? Roan: Just a baby dragon named Jeffrey.


Roan (doubtful, talking to self while watching a video): Spiderman is MY friendly neighborhood Spiderman? I’m not sure he’s a neighbor. I think people call him a neighbor because he’s friendly. But he’s really just a superhero.


Lavina (exasperated): What do you mean you’re not hungry now? You complained the ENTIRE time at Lowes about being hungry. Roan: I’m not hungry. I was just having a tantrum – I was speaking it in language.

Son of Health Coach

Roan (eating a rare serving of cheetos): Mama, these are yummy! Lavina: Yes, these are called cheetos. It’s junk food. It’s a treat. Roan (concerned and confused): But Mama, junk food is bad for you! Lavina: Yes, that’s why we don’t eat it every day. Roan (2 min later): Mmm, these are yuuuummy. Mama, maybe … Continue reading

Behind the Curtain

Roan: Mama, the bad guy in my brain is telling me to eat my boogers. The good guy in my brain is pushing buttons on a machine to make me keep my hands out of my mouth.