Roan: I thought it was a shared opinion that most babies are ugly. Apparently it’s controversial.

Roan (to Mom): You’re overly enthusiastic about what I’m saying. Just go “Mmm…yeah.” That’s how I got through a 20-minute conversation with your uncle about taxes and retirement plans.” (Age 16)

Roan: Kindergarten is a cult. They make you stand up and pledge allegiance. (Age 15)

Mom: Do you want to watch a movie about metal music with dad and I? Roan: No, that’s not a good use of my time. Spending time with you and dad is the worst possible use of my time. (Age 14)

Mom: I don’t like how you’re talking to me. I don’t think you should bite the hand that feeds. Roan: Biting the hand that feeds is a part of life. (Age 14)

Mom: Did you like the chili? Roan: I liked it when you added beef. Beef elevates any dish. (Age 14)

Mom: Thanks for cleaning up the cat puke! Roan: You owe me. Mom: I don’t owe you, but I thank you. Roan: I prefer “owe” to “thanks.” (Age 14)

Mom: How can you not like oranges? Roan: How can you not like death metal? (Age 14)

Roan: Children are acceptable. Adolescents are unpredictable. I prefer adults. It all goes downhill after age one. (Age 14)

Roan (after talking to his great grandmother on the phone): Granny is…unrestrained. (Age 14)

Roan (on the way home after a drive-through 8th grade graduation, during the heart of the covid-19 pandemic): I’m really glad I got to say good bye to all my friends. And now I can’t wait for more quarantine. (Age 14)

Roan: My peak attractiveness is when I’m wearing sunglasses. (Age 14)

Mom (leaving the house for school): Smell the fresh air! Roan: I smell pain! (Age 13)

Mom: How’s your day off school going? Roan: I’m losing more and more purpose as the hours go by. (Age 13)

Roan (to Mom): You’re so embarrassing because you’re too open. You shouldn’t tell someone your life story. I slowly drop moments of my life. And then people want to know more. That’s how I build my mystique. (Age 13)

Roan (looking at old photos of his Aunt H): Are you wearing a costume? Aunt H: No, those were my regular clothes. Roan: Oh, I thought you were dressed as a nerd for Halloween.

Roan: The reason my favorite word is “No” is because it prevents me from having to do a lot of random stuff I don’t want to do. (Age 12)

Aunt Heather: I can’t believe you can eat an entire medium Blizzard! Roan: A small Blizzard is good, but it’s not enough for my mind to comprehend what I’m taking in. (Age 12)

Mom: Roan you haven’t been wearing your glasses. You need to wear them. Roan: I’d flip you off, but I’m not going to, because I’m nice. (Age 12)

Roan: I like being alone because it means I can be my own man. (Age 12)

Roan (after hurting himself): I saw white in my soul. (Age 12)

Dad: What did you think of the graphic Bible you got for your birthday? Roan: I was disappointed I spent all that time reading the Bible when I could have been reading comics.

Roan: When I’m dead I’d like a casket to cover my body, and then I’d like gasoline to be poured on it, and I’d like it to be lit on fire while it’s in the ground. But since I can’t do that, I’ll just donate my body to science. (Age 12)

Roan: I don’t feel good after smelling my armpits. It’s the same feeling as car sickness. (Age 12)

Grandma: What were the people in Iceland like? Roan: They cuss freely. (Age 12)

Roan: I wanted to make a good comeback to what Dad said, but I decided to protect our relationship. (Age 12)

Mom: Roan, how was the sleepover? Roan: It was a really productive night! (Age 11)

Roan: Sunday is my last day to rest, so I’d like to use my time wisely by not going to church. (Age 11)

Roan (getting into the car after school): Did you bring me a snack? Mom: I forgot. Roan: Prepare to face consequences! (Age 11)

Roan (after asking to be shut in the trunk for 5 seconds to see what it would be like): What a journey! (Age 11)

Hello friends, It’s Roan’s mom here. I took a hiatus from posting when Roan turned 12 to give him more privacy during middle school. Then I got caught up with career. However I have continued to store random quotes in my phone. Roan recently found an old copy of the printed book “Raising Roan” in … Continue reading →

Roan: Moms are so hard to control!

Roan: Mom, I farted in my sleep and it woke me up, and I thought – mother of God, I hope Santa doesn’t come in here when I do that on Christmas Eve!

Roan (after breakfast): Dada, can we listen to Thin Lizzy? Roan’s Current Top 5 Muse Thin Lizzy AC/DC Kiss ZZ Top

Roan (on his best friend at Pre-K): Zachy was saying bathroom words at school. So my friends and teachers are going to take him to the doctor and the doctor is going to take an x-ray of his head so we can find out why he keeps saying those words.

Roan: I’m going to miss being a kid.

Roan: What is that we’re having for dinner? Casey: Ribs. Roan: Are they human ribs?

Roan: Mama, I think for next Halloween I want to be God. Lavina (scavenging purse for pen and paper while driving)… Roan: Mama don’t write that down. This is serious.

Roan: Mama, does every child become evil when they grow up? Will I turn evil like Annakin?

Grandma Becky: I’m sending you kisses now over the phone. [SWAK!] Did you catch them? Roan: I caught them and put them in my mouth because they taste like strawberries.

Alphie, to Roan: I’m glad you had fun with your babsitter today! How is he doing? Lavina: He’s fine. Roan (reporting brightly, like a physician’s assistant):  Not sick or dead.

Roan: Do you want to say “Hi” to Buttcrack? Casey: Buttcrack? What do you mean Buttcrack? What is Buttcrack? Roan: Buttcrack is a great hider. He can hide forever. But he’s coming out now… Here he is! (Roan’s hand emerges from under the dining room table and parks claw-like with bent fingers next to his … Continue reading →

Roan: Mama, when Darth Vader was a baby, did he wear black Darth Vader diapers?

Roan: Dada, maybe I should go to Star Wars school. How about Star Wars kindergarten?

Roan (singing to himself): Twinkle, twinkle little Death Star…

Lavina: Roan, I’m just curious, would you have more fun with a dog, cat, or baby brother or sister? Roan: Just a baby dragon named Jeffrey.

Roan (doubtful, talking to self while watching a video): Spiderman is MY friendly neighborhood Spiderman? I’m not sure he’s a neighbor. I think people call him a neighbor because he’s friendly. But he’s really just a superhero.

Roan: I want to drink real coffee with my breakfast. Casey: How come? Roan: Because I want to get JACKED UP!

Roan: When I get older I’m going to break out of my kid skin and grow big kid skin.

Lavina (exasperated): What do you mean you’re not hungry now? You complained the ENTIRE time at Lowes about being hungry. Roan: I’m not hungry. I was just having a tantrum – I was speaking it in language.

Roan (eating a rare serving of cheetos): Mama, these are yummy! Lavina: Yes, these are called cheetos. It’s junk food. It’s a treat. Roan (concerned and confused): But Mama, junk food is bad for you! Lavina: Yes, that’s why we don’t eat it every day. Roan (2 min later): Mmm, these are yuuuummy. Mama, maybe … Continue reading →

Roan: Mama, the bad guy in my brain is telling me to eat my boogers. The good guy in my brain is pushing buttons on a machine to make me keep my hands out of my mouth.

Roan: I quit this family! Casey: It was nice having you.

Roan: I got knocked out by a tornado. But then I lasso’d it and threw it in a garbage truck to take it to the dump. I saved all the people.

Roan: Dada, do you have superpowers? Casey: No, do you? Roan: Yes, I have five: stretchING, graspING…and rocking out!

Roan: Dada, would you like to smell my feet? Casey: No thanks. Roan: Every grown-up must smell his children’s feet. It’s a rule.

Roan comes up with some very strange names for his action figures. Here is a current sample (spelled phonetically – he is insistent on having us pronounce them correctly): Cain Call Sosgosh Rerkie Sasho Dagog Duke Botch Super Bish Super Gawk Gitchy, Witchy, & Bulb Drike

Lavina: Look at this award Dada got! It means he did a really good job at work. Roan: No time-outs?

Roan: Can I have breakfast in bed for Boys’ Day?

Roan: I popped an egg out from my butt, and it was a ducky. It got in there by accident.

Lavina (after Roan saw Justin Bieber on Oprah): Do you want to be a rock star some day and sing a song on stage? Roan: I just want to be in Kiss with my face painted. I want to be Gene Simmons.

Roan: Dada, you drive me crazy. Casey: Who taught you to say that? Roan: Mama.

Roan: Dada, can I have some of your coffee? Casey: No, it has caffeine. That’s only for adults. Roan: I want some kids’ caffeine, not adults’ caffeine.

Roan (with existential confusion, first thing in the morning): Mama, why can’t I see my face? Why? Lavina: Well, that’s why we have mirrors. You need your eyes to see, and they’re on your face, so you have to look in a mirror to see your face. Roan: Why do I have to do it … Continue reading →

Happy Birthday Roan! ~ April 16

Roan (surveying his candy and presents): Wow, the Easter Bunny is a pro!

Roan: The zucchini was too lemony but the chicken was just right.

Within a few seconds of my back being turned, Roan managed to…get a piece of chopstick stuck in his throat at Pei Wei…dump a magenta-colored smoothie on white carpet (or as Super T would call it – “fluorescent mauve”)…cover half the dining room table in orange crayon (still life of the Millennium Falcon)…you get the … Continue reading →

Roan (playing baseball with his Grandma): Amma, you’re wearing me out. Can we take a rest?

Roan (announcing loudly to his Grandma upon answering the doorbell): Amma, I call my penis a “nudie!”

Roan: I need a napkin. I have peanut butter on my mustache.

Roan: ARRRRrrrggh! I have a scary voice! That means I’m Gene Simmons!

Lavina (looking at a photo album): Roan, look how cute you were when you were a baby! Roan: Awww, I’ll never forget that.

Roan: Dada, why do you close your eyes so much? Casey: Actually it’s not enough, believe it or not. —– Roan: Can we take a nap with our eyes open?

Roan: I don’t watch movies if they’re too scary. Alphie: That’s good! You’re very smart. Roan: I’m very right.

Roan: Dada, would you like to split a steak with me?

Roan: Mama, is Dada my Dada? Lavina: Yes. Roan: Is he really my Dada? Casey: That’s what we’ve been trying to figure out these last 4 years!

Roan: Mama, what happened? Lavina: I’m so excited my friend is going to have a baby! Roan: Is it going to be baby Jesus? Lavina: Hahaha, no. Roan: Is it going to be two babies? Lavina: Hmm, I don’t know!

Lavina: Roan, what are you doing with a 2nd cookie? Casey: He ate all his lunch. Lavina: He only gets 1 cookie for dessert. Roan (proceeding to jump on the bed, dropping cookie crumbs): Dada gave me 2 cookies and now it’s too late! Hahahahaha!

Lavina: Wow. Roan, how did you manage to do that puzzle so fast? Roan (very matter of fact): Well, because that’s what children do best.

Roan: No, I’m not acting grumpy! I’m just breaking the rules.

Roan: Dada, are C3PO and R2D2 bad guys? Casey: No, they’re good guys. Roan: Did you never see them on Facebook?

Roan: I didn’t want to take my picture with Santa Claus. I was a little jealous and a little scared.

Roan (for no reason): Dada you are naughty. You’re a naughty Dada. You’re in BIG trouble.

Roan: Mama, I didn’t get your email. I lost my phone.

Casey: Roan, how was the park today? Were there lots of kids? Roan: No. Not even a mouse.

Lavina: Roan, can you help me unload the dishwasher? Roan: No. I don’t have any time.

Roan (shouting from the bathroom): Mama, I’m gonna make a whole family of poo-poo! Lavina (shouting with measured enthusiasm): Ok, that would be great!

Alphie: Roan, what happened to your toy house? Roan: I broke it. Alphie: Why did you break it? Roan: I didn’t take care of it. Alphie: If you don’t take care of your toys I won’t give you anymore. Roan (holding his Curious George doll): How about this – how about you buy me the … Continue reading →

Alphie: Did you have a good day at school? Roan: No. Alphie: Why not? Roan: I got lots of time-outs. Alphie: Why did you get lots of time-outs? Roan: Because I didn’t do my activities. Alphie: Why didn’t you do your activities? Roan: Because that’s the way it was and that’s the way it is.

Lavina: I love you Roan. Roan (sing-song-y): I don’t love you too! Lavina: What? You don’t love me? Roan: I only love Dada. Lavina: Aww, I feel so sad! Roan: Actually, I love both of you. I love Dada and Mama.

Roan: Ouch! Lavina: Did you burn your finger on the lamp again? Roan: You should turn that light off before I get into any more mischief. Case dismissed!

Alphie: Roan, do you know what city you live in? Roan (confidently): The City of Paris!

Roan (pausing, while pretending to shoot a web from his palms): Mama, does Spiderman say, “oh man, this is sticking everywhere!” Does he need to clean it up?

Roan (opening the box to the game Connect Four): Mama, how about you put it together and I will read the directions. Lavina: Ok. Roan (“reading” the 2-sided page of rules and instructions, turning it upside down and right side up): Hmmm, why does everything have to be so difficult?