Roan (after pestering his very tired, sleep-deprived father at breakfast): You’re going to have a really good break when you’re in your 70s, Dad.

Dad: Nah, I don’t wanna jump in the leaves. Roan: Your inner child just died a little. Casey: I can’t jump in the leaves, I’ll get hurt! I’m too old. Roan: Ok, your inner child is in the hospital now, with only a few weeks to live.

Roan: Do you sometimes wish you’d had another baby? Dad: Yes, but I’m also glad we have just you. When you’re married, you can decide how many kids you want to have. Roan: That will require A LOT of sex.

Roan (in public, people watching): Is that a spoon taped to that baby’s mouth? Oh, that’s a pacifier. I was wondering why they would do that to a minor. (Age 9)

Roan: In nine years I’m going to be a man and I’m going to have a girlfriend and then I’m going to get married and then we’re going to have sex on the couch and have a baby. And then we’re going to have sex on the couch again and have another baby. (Age 9)

Roan: Mom, are you sad I’m growing up? My old self needed a booster seat and didn’t say “crap” very much. My new self doesn’t need a booster seat and says “crap” more often. (Age 8)