Raising Roan

Roan: I don’t want to be a teenager. I just want to drive race cars, be a screenwriter, and wreck my house with my big muscles!

Roan (to Mom, during a bedtime chat): You’re a nice mother. You married the right man. You help Dad with his career. His career is making the money. I can’t help with that because I’m busy going to school and doing homework and stuff like that.

Roan (waiting impatiently for Mom to help him pick up his toys): I’m going to tell the President of the United States that you did not help me! —— Roan (after losing his temper and being told he would have to wait until he was calm to go to his playdate): Jesus doesn’t like you!

Roan: I like thumb wrestling. I probably did thumb wrestling in your belly with your ribs.

Mom (yelling from the bathroom): Roan, you need to aim for the toilet! Roan (yelling from his room): Take deep breaths and calm down! It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like the world turned to pink poo-poo dust.

Dad: What would be a good nickname for Leia [the cat]? Roan (without any hesitation): Leslie Fisherman!

Roan: Mom, I farted in my sleep and it woke me up, and I thought – mother of God, I hope Santa doesn’t come in here when I do that on Christmas Eve!

Roan (after breakfast): Dada, can we listen to Thin Lizzy? Roan’s Current Top 5 Muse Thin Lizzy AC/DC Kiss ZZ Top

Roan (on his best friend at Pre-K): Zachy was saying bathroom words at school. So my friends and teachers are going to take him to the doctor and the doctor is going to take an x-ray of his head so we can find out why he keeps saying those words.

Roan: I’m going to miss being a kid.

Roan: What is that we’re having for dinner? Casey: Ribs. Roan: Are they human ribs?

Roan: Mama, I think for next Halloween I want to be God. Lavina (scavenging purse for pen and paper while driving)… Roan: Mama don’t write that down. This is serious.

Roan: Mama, does every child become evil when they grow up? Will I turn evil like Annakin?

Grandma Becky: I’m sending you kisses now over the phone. [SWAK!] Did you catch them? Roan: I caught them and put them in my mouth because they taste like strawberries.

Alphie, to Roan: I’m glad you had fun with your babsitter today! How is he doing? Lavina: He’s fine. Roan (reporting brightly, like a physician’s assistant):  Not sick or dead.

Roan: Do you want to say “Hi” to Buttcrack? Casey: Buttcrack? What do you mean Buttcrack? What is Buttcrack? Roan: Buttcrack is a great hider. He can hide forever. But he’s coming out now… Here he is! (Roan’s hand emerges from under the dining room table and parks claw-like with bent fingers next to his … Continue reading →

Roan: Mama, when Darth Vader was a baby, did he wear black Darth Vader diapers?

Roan: Dada, maybe I should go to Star Wars school. How about Star Wars kindergarten?

Roan (singing to himself): Twinkle, twinkle little Death Star…

Lavina: Roan, I’m just curious, would you have more fun with a dog, cat, or baby brother or sister? Roan: Just a baby dragon named Jeffrey.

Roan (doubtful, talking to self while watching a video): Spiderman is MY friendly neighborhood Spiderman? I’m not sure he’s a neighbor. I think people call him a neighbor because he’s friendly. But he’s really just a superhero.

Roan: I want to drink real coffee with my breakfast. Casey: How come? Roan: Because I want to get JACKED UP!

Roan: When I get older I’m going to break out of my kid skin and grow big kid skin.

Lavina (exasperated): What do you mean you’re not hungry now? You complained the ENTIRE time at Lowes about being hungry. Roan: I’m not hungry. I was just having a tantrum – I was speaking it in language.

Roan (eating a rare serving of cheetos): Mama, these are yummy! Lavina: Yes, these are called cheetos. It’s junk food. It’s a treat. Roan (concerned and confused): But Mama, junk food is bad for you! Lavina: Yes, that’s why we don’t eat it every day. Roan (2 min later): Mmm, these are yuuuummy. Mama, maybe … Continue reading →

Roan: Mama, the bad guy in my brain is telling me to eat my boogers. The good guy in my brain is pushing buttons on a machine to make me keep my hands out of my mouth.

Roan: I quit this family! Casey: It was nice having you.

Roan: I got knocked out by a tornado. But then I lasso’d it and threw it in a garbage truck to take it to the dump. I saved all the people.

Roan: Dada, do you have superpowers? Casey: No, do you? Roan: Yes, I have five: stretchING, graspING…and rocking out!

Roan: Dada, would you like to smell my feet? Casey: No thanks. Roan: Every grown-up must smell his children’s feet. It’s a rule.

Roan comes up with some very strange names for his action figures. Here is a current sample (spelled phonetically – he is insistent on having us pronounce them correctly): Cain Call Sosgosh Rerkie Sasho Dagog Duke Botch Super Bish Super Gawk Gitchy, Witchy, & Bulb Drike

Lavina: Look at this award Dada got! It means he did a really good job at work. Roan: No time-outs?

Roan: Can I have breakfast in bed for Boys’ Day?

Roan: I popped an egg out from my butt, and it was a ducky. It got in there by accident.

Lavina (after Roan saw Justin Bieber on Oprah): Do you want to be a rock star some day and sing a song on stage? Roan: I just want to be in Kiss with my face painted. I want to be Gene Simmons.

Roan: Dada, you drive me crazy. Casey: Who taught you to say that? Roan: Mama.

Roan: Dada, can I have some of your coffee? Casey: No, it has caffeine. That’s only for adults. Roan: I want some kids’ caffeine, not adults’ caffeine.

Roan (with existential confusion, first thing in the morning): Mama, why can’t I see my face? Why? Lavina: Well, that’s why we have mirrors. You need your eyes to see, and they’re on your face, so you have to look in a mirror to see your face. Roan: Why do I have to do it … Continue reading →

Happy Birthday Roan! ~ April 16

Roan (surveying his candy and presents): Wow, the Easter Bunny is a pro!

Roan: The zucchini was too lemony but the chicken was just right.

Within a few seconds of my back being turned, Roan managed to…get a piece of chopstick stuck in his throat at Pei Wei…dump a magenta-colored smoothie on white carpet (or as Super T would call it – “fluorescent mauve”)…cover half the dining room table in orange crayon (still life of the Millennium Falcon)…you get the … Continue reading →

Roan (playing baseball with his Grandma): Amma, you’re wearing me out. Can we take a rest?

Roan (announcing loudly to his Grandma upon answering the doorbell): Amma, I call my penis a “nudie!”

Roan: I need a napkin. I have peanut butter on my mustache.

Roan: ARRRRrrrggh! I have a scary voice! That means I’m Gene Simmons!

Lavina (looking at a photo album): Roan, look how cute you were when you were a baby! Roan: Awww, I’ll never forget that.

Roan: Dada, why do you close your eyes so much? Casey: Actually it’s not enough, believe it or not. —– Roan: Can we take a nap with our eyes open?

Roan: I don’t watch movies if they’re too scary. Alphie: That’s good! You’re very smart. Roan: I’m very right.

Roan: Dada, would you like to split a steak with me?

Roan: Mama, is Dada my Dada? Lavina: Yes. Roan: Is he really my Dada? Casey: That’s what we’ve been trying to figure out these last 4 years!

Roan: Mama, what happened? Lavina: I’m so excited my friend is going to have a baby! Roan: Is it going to be baby Jesus? Lavina: Hahaha, no. Roan: Is it going to be two babies? Lavina: Hmm, I don’t know!

Lavina: Roan, what are you doing with a 2nd cookie? Casey: He ate all his lunch. Lavina: He only gets 1 cookie for dessert. Roan (proceeding to jump on the bed, dropping cookie crumbs): Dada gave me 2 cookies and now it’s too late! Hahahahaha!

Lavina: Wow. Roan, how did you manage to do that puzzle so fast? Roan (very matter of fact): Well, because that’s what children do best.

Roan: No, I’m not acting grumpy! I’m just breaking the rules.

Roan: Dada, are C3PO and R2D2 bad guys? Casey: No, they’re good guys. Roan: Did you never see them on Facebook?

Roan: I didn’t want to take my picture with Santa Claus. I was a little jealous and a little scared.

Roan (for no reason): Dada you are naughty. You’re a naughty Dada. You’re in BIG trouble.

Roan: Mama, I didn’t get your email. I lost my phone.

Casey: Roan, how was the park today? Were there lots of kids? Roan: No. Not even a mouse.

Lavina: Roan, can you help me unload the dishwasher? Roan: No. I don’t have any time.

Roan (shouting from the bathroom): Mama, I’m gonna make a whole family of poo-poo! Lavina (shouting with measured enthusiasm): Ok, that would be great!

Alphie: Roan, what happened to your toy house? Roan: I broke it. Alphie: Why did you break it? Roan: I didn’t take care of it. Alphie: If you don’t take care of your toys I won’t give you anymore. Roan (holding his Curious George doll): How about this – how about you buy me the … Continue reading →

Alphie: Did you have a good day at school? Roan: No. Alphie: Why not? Roan: I got lots of time-outs. Alphie: Why did you get lots of time-outs? Roan: Because I didn’t do my activities. Alphie: Why didn’t you do your activities? Roan: Because that’s the way it was and that’s the way it is.

Lavina: I love you Roan. Roan (sing-song-y): I don’t love you too! Lavina: What? You don’t love me? Roan: I only love Dada. Lavina: Aww, I feel so sad! Roan: Actually, I love both of you. I love Dada and Mama.

Roan: Ouch! Lavina: Did you burn your finger on the lamp again? Roan: You should turn that light off before I get into any more mischief. Case dismissed!

Alphie: Roan, do you know what city you live in? Roan (confidently): The City of Paris!

Roan (pausing, while pretending to shoot a web from his palms): Mama, does Spiderman say, “oh man, this is sticking everywhere!” Does he need to clean it up?

Roan (opening the box to the game Connect Four): Mama, how about you put it together and I will read the directions. Lavina: Ok. Roan (“reading” the 2-sided page of rules and instructions, turning it upside down and right side up): Hmmm, why does everything have to be so difficult?

Lavina: Roan, are you cold? Roan: No. Lavina: Are you tired? Roan: No. I’m just confused. Lavina: What are you confused about? Roan: About me. Lavina: (getting up from table) Roan: Where are you going? Are you going to write that down?

Roan: Mama did you never eat this ice cream before? Lavina: No, not this kind. Roan: Well, I had it when I was a big fat man Dada.

Roan: One day I blew my horn so hard that my face caught on fire.

Roan: Mama’s gonna take me to Dr. Gopal and Dr. Gopal’s gonna check my heart and he’s gonna say, “I’m not sure what’s wrong with this kid.”

Roan (to his grandmother): The planet Earth is where me and Mama and Dada live. Where do you live, Amma?

Roan: Amma, is it going to be me and you?! Alphie: Yes, we’re going to spend the day together. Roan (trying to push Lavina out the door): Ok have a nice day Mama. Can you please go?

Roan (whining and screeching in the middle of our Rush song): Mama I want to play the guitar! You play the drums! Lavina: Please ask nice. Say, “mama can we please switch?” Roan: Mama, can we please shit?

Roan: Dada, don’t be so dramatic.

Roan: Mama, it was my thought to go poop. I thought and I thought and I thought.

Roan: Dada, I’m gonna pretend to be a friend. And you can talk to me.

Roan (to Lavina and Casey): Let’s pretend we’re kids.

Lavina: I think you owe me an apology. Roan: I’m sorry Mama TOOT! (his word for “fart”) Lavina: Please say sorry in a nice way. Roan: I’m DASH sorry Mama DASH! Lavina: Try again. Roan (muffled by his hand over his mouth): I’m sthhorrry. Lavina: I couldn’t hear you with your hand over your mouth. … Continue reading →

Roan: Where’s Case? Lavina: Dada can’t have breakfast with us because he has to leave early for work. Roan: Well, maybe I can DASH him with a trash truck and pour sand on him and dress him up like Spiderman!

Roan: I came out of the volcano with Spiderman. And then we rode on a train together to go on vacation. Spiderman was the best driver on the train.

Roan: Hey Dada do you wanna watch a hotdog go down my throat? (swallows hard, thrusts chin down, and traces path of hot dog down his chest with his finger)

Lavina to Roan: I think you were having a hard time following the rules because you were so tired. Roan: Well, I wanna break the rules and there will be no rules forever!

Roan: Juice is my favorite breakfast I ever eat in America.

Roan, introducing Casey to a neighbor: This is my son Dada.

Roan: Are you happy I went pee pee? Lavina: We’re happy when you cooperate with trying. It’s ok if no pee pee comes out. Casey: Hitting and kicking me while you’re sitting on the potty is NOT cooperating. Lavina: Going pee pee on the floor on purpose is NOT cooperating. Casey: Fighting with us and … Continue reading →

Roan, showing his babysitter a blister on his hand: Emily look! I got a buster from drumming SO hard.

Roan, showing Alphie the Buzz Lightyear compass she got him for his birthday, worn on his wrist: Amma, ask me where I got my watch. Alphie: Where did you get your watch? Roan: Whole Foods. Alphie: Whole Foods? Roan: No, actually I got it from Babies To Us.

Lavina, in the car: Oh no! Roan: What happened Ma? Lavina: Traffic is bad on the highway. Roan, very concerned: What happened! Lavina: There are too many cars going slow because of the rain. Roan, in an angry wish to get even with the cars: Well, a train is going to CRASH into the cars! … Continue reading →

Roan, announcing to a neighbor in the parking lot: I’m gonna cooperate and go potty and then watch a movie! Neighbor: That sounds great. Enjoy your movie. Roan, running away: Enjoy your self!

Lavina: Shhh! Roan please stop asking me things. I need peace and quiet for 5 minutes. Roan: Am I driving you nuts?

Casey: Roan, what did you do today with Mama? Roan (who at age 3 has never skateboarded): I was practicing my skateboard. Do you know what is the name of the store where I got my skateboard? – “Skateboard and Skateboard!”

Roan: Dada, can we have love? Do you have love? (meaning he wants a hug and kiss – he’s a big snuggler) Casey: Yes, I always have love for you. Roan: Dada, can we play instead of having love?